My Relationship with My Mother

Relationship with My Mother

I have spent many years keeping my mother at arms length, in fact she represented everything I detested about being a women. My relationship with my mother modelled my relationships with other people – partners, friends, family, colleagues. It was approximately 10 years ago when I decided that my mother was the key to my relationships and that it was time to start clearing the old negative baggage that I had stored. I cannot believe how changing my perception and clearing the negative emotions and the limiting beliefs around my mother has allowed me to develop in ways I could not have even imagined I would.

How did this happen?

Psychologically and physiologically our formative years (from birth through to age seven), depicts how we relate to others and ourselves. In these formative years our relationship with our parents, biological or adoptive, creates a blueprint for future relationships.  This blueprint controls how we enter into and operate our intimate relationships and our friendships.  It holds the key to the success of future relationships. In general, mum is the care-giver and around more often than dad.

If you’re having relationship issues, the answer might lie closer to home than you think

Research has shown that the formation of our mammalian brain (the place where we experience emotion) is affected by how much or how little nurturing and caring we receive from the time we are born up to about the age of seven. Our mother’s nurturing, feeding, caring and behaviour teaches us how to experience emotion and how to relate to ourselves and others.  If we don’t get enough nurturing, care and acknowledgement or if mum was over-protective, too busy or inattentive our “inner-child” may have a slightly distorted approach to the relationship with itself and others. When we are this young, we cannot fend for ourselves so our mothers are intrinsic to our survival; this mother-child bond is key to developing healthy future relationships.

It is also important to know that even if this was our experience, even if we believe mum wasn’t quite there for us like we wanted her to be, we can change how we perceive this as an adult. We can stop the “inner child” from running our responses and behaviours and move towards rewarding relationships.

So what sort of relationship do you have with your mum?

  • Are there things that you hold her responsible for?
  • Do you think she should have / could have done better?
  • Are you disappointed that she wasn’t there for you when you needed her?
  • Do you find her over possessive, demanding and controlling?

If you said yes to any of these then why not make this mother’s day the time when you set things straight by simply offering your mother forgiveness and respect.

Forgiveness

None of us are given a parenting manual (wouldn’t it be great if we did?) so mistakes are bound to be made along the way; but understand that your mother did her best with the resources she had at the time. And forgive her.  Simply release any anger and distress you may have and offer her your forgiveness. You don’t have to like what she did, didn’t do or does; you just have to let it go. Allow yourself the gift of forgiveness and you will find that the person who benefits the most is you.

Respecting Her as a Person

  • You may love her and it’s ok not to like her
  • Respect who she is as a person and give her the space to be who she is
  • Recognise that she is also human and although she had a role to play, you can free yourself from the belief that she should have known better – She simply didn’t
  • Be satisfied with the fact that, whilst your upbringing can define you, you can also choose to define yourself with the knowledge that you’ve gained from your own experiences

It’s taken me over 30 years to learn to like my mum – I love her dearly, I never liked who she was and how she behaved.  Now, after having resolved my issues, I am finally able to treat her as a friend, to love her, to like her and to respect her. I can now accept her and appreciate her for the human being that she is.

So why don’t you give your mum the gift of forgiveness and respect and if you need a little bit of extra help to get you started, then you can always drop me a line.  Wishing you love and light on your journey.

2 Responses to My Relationship with My Mother

  1. Mara Thorne says:

    Parenthood is the most challenging role we play, and yet we get no training for it and sometimes not enough support. We muddle through and hope for the best. We all need our kids to forgive us and understand that we were doing our best, even if it wasn’t always good enough.

    I was very lucky, I had an incredibly nurturing mother and I am sure the great start I had in life helped me to retain my inner core of self-belief as I graduated through life’s “school of hard knocks” – and some of them have been very hard! Thanks, mum!

  2. Great blog Elvira – really thought provoking. I am incredibly privileged to have had a brilliant relationship with my mum and I am still thankful for that love & friendship today.

    She has often said to me “I’m not perfect I got it wrong” I admired her honesty then & I try to do the same with Jake. I hope he & I continue to have the same relationship even if we have a few hurdles to get over in the teenage years! I’ll be coming to see you to work out how to deal with those!

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